The Best Break Up I've Ever Had
I don’t usually write so candidly about breakups (not sure why b/c I’m a pro) but I wrote an Instagram post about being broken up with this summer.
Most of you probably didn’t even know i was dating anyone and I wrote the post way too soon after the relationship ended, to be honest. I don’t regret writing this but the waves of sadness hit me very soon after (like, the next day). But It was kinda nice to hear, I guess in a misery loves company way, that so many of you related to feeling some sense of rejection, whether it’s in a relationship or work or school or friendship/life wise. And that you were OK, too. So I want to share what happened this summer with you bc the break up part has turned out quite beautifully and taught me a lot.
Obviously this is from my perspective but it does have the approval of the man in question... he actually said “write it like you feel it!”, ha - I’ll give you some back story of the situation before I get to the juicy break up deets.
I met this guy, let’s call him B, at his pop up meditation studio a few times. He asked me to hang out one Sunday and bring my pup- I legit thought as friends- I even brought a book along! The nice thing was we knew pretty minimal about each other. I hadnt even done a deep dive into his insta or google stalked him!!! I didn’t know how old he was (I almost spit my kombucha out when i found out he is 4 years younger than me 😆), didn’t know he wasnt American (eastern European)... honestly i didn’t know anything about him except he had good energy and could keep a lot of plants alive. That seemed like a good person. Coming in with a blank slate ended up being the sweetest and most surprising thing.
That day we spent 14 hr straight together (don’t worry mom I slept at home) and it turns out B is one of the most dynamic, brilliant, curious and genuine people I’ve ever met. I called our mutual friend right away to find out if he was a bullshit artist or secretly married or something.. which tells you plenty about my dating experience in nyc.
From there we spent time almost every day together for a lot of the summer and it was the most organic and easy and kind relationship I’ve experienced in so long. (Side note - He doesn’t really drink which was great for me! More on drinking way less coming soon).
Ok before i romanticize this too much — obviously you know the ending already — there were ‘things’. Pretty big things. We come from very different backgrounds and had a few huge issues/arguments where we both felt really hurt. We have each done a lot of different self-work and some of the ways we communicate felt incompatible. Neither of us were perfect in it. All of the sudden, that initial feeling of safety that we felt with each other started disintegrating. It was like our ‘stuff’ didn’t match up. I think for both of us, it started to feel very complicated.
After one of these issues, I went on a solo yoga and meditation retreat that I already had planned; you can read about that here. We didn’t speak for almost a week. I was a wreck over it but I thought - we have good communication at the core, this could be laying the groundwork for our relationship in a great way. I’m not afraid of a little work.
So then I came home, and B texted me and asked if he could ‘come over to talk’.
UH OHHHHHH. you and I both know that’s never good text to receive. I knew right away we were coming back to each other on different pages.
So here’s where it gets extra interesting (to me). He came over for an hour or more and we talked about every single thing. No questions left unanswered or confusion; we both knew we weren’t making each other feel good and it wasn’t enough to feel happy 50% of the time in a new relationship.
He felt we should end this now with love and kindness and respect vs carrying on and it ending up a mess where we resent or dislike each other.
It was absolutely not what I wanted or expected to happen... but I also had this tiny inkling that he was right. It was uncomfortable and sad and heartbreaking and I was angry and hurt and heart-stung and all the things... We had become a little fam with Zigzig (my pup) and now it was over. It was short lived but it was serious.
It’s been about 1.5 months since that convo. Not all smooth sailing for me but I am OK, actually I’m great and have gotten back to “me”. And to answer the obvious questions yes we’ve spoken but no I haven’t seen him since. PRAISE BE that he went to Bali/off the grid for a month. Hands down the nicest thing an ex has ever done for me to move on with things.
The really crazy thing now is that I know I love him more (albeit differently) for the way it was handled, and for the admiration & respect I feel for & from him, then i probably ever would have had we ‘tried to make it work’. I’m not sure where we will land in the friendship category yet but I know there is a lot of care there.
My point is really not to fill you in on the gossip of my life, trust me there’s plenty more of that! But I’ve been thinking of sharing this for a while because I learned so much from how things ended. Mostly, I learned that you do not have to force things or be in a relationship or friendship or environment that you don’t want to or that’s just not working, but you definitely DO have to show up for the conversation if someone is/was important to you. Physically and emotionally. Even if it’s cringy and awkward and you’d rather avoid it.
Sometimes bowing out with honesty and integrity and kindness is the best course of action. That’s not necessarily a cop out. But - whether you’re a girl or guy! - try not to ghost or abandon or get icy. Say what you mean, mean what you say. And then take time and space. Time and space are the ultimate healers. 💛
PS maybe try *not* insta/google stalking your next date. Surprises are seriously the BEST.
So have you had any “good” break ups??
Sending you lots of love xx